written 2/2021

I have a confession:

In July, I had my first audition in 8 years.

I had a callback in January.

I did not get cast.

How can the loss of something you never had be so devastating?

I know full well that every audition carries with it the possibility of a NO, as much as a YES. But that doesn’t make the NO any easier.

And yet, there is a huge, shiny silver lining to this whole experience. I have done a lot, and I mean A LOT of soul- searching since this little odyssey began- from deciding to do the audition, getting ready for it, singing again after years of vocal neglect, actually performing again at the audition, and finally the interminable waiting- and I have realized it has been an invaluable journey.

For years now, I have gradually convinced myself that I didn’t need to sing anymore, that that part of my life was over.

How absurd.

How utterly stupid.

What an idiot.

What a liar.

How could I have convinced myself to deny my soul its creative and emotional outlet? It’s one true DESIRE?

Fear. And this exact fear- that if I tried again, after all this time and all this squandering of my talent, I would fail and it would kill me. And I did fail, in so much as I didn’t get a part, but it didn’t kill me because what I discovered is that there is something even stronger than fear at work in my heart and soul.

And that is LOVE.

Love for singing. Love for music. Love for acting. Love for performing. Love for the art form.

Love for the sound of my own voice. Love for the feel of the words on my tongue, the emotions in my heart, the energy in my body. For what I feel I was put on this earth to do.

When I first saw the audition notice, for one of my all-time favorite musicals, I burst into big heaving sobs. I had such an extreme reaction because I knew deep in my soul that I had to do it, had to put myself out there again. That soul-deep, fundamental desire to sing and perform came roaring back to the surface that day in June, the one I’d tried so hard to banish.

As I vocalized and rehearsed, I battled fear, insecurity, and self-directed anger on a daily basis. And then when the actual day of the audition arrived, I was TERRIFIED. I don’t think I’ve been so nervous for an audition since I was a teenager. My hands were shaking so much I couldn’t keep them still. And when it was over, I got back into the car and burst into tears, again. The last time I did that was when I was 9 years old, after my very first audition.

But even though I was wildly, absurdly nervous, the actual doing of it felt SO DAMN GOOD; a balm for my soul and psyche. I had truly forgotten how much I loved it, and frankly, how good at it I can be. I was actually happier than I had been in ages.

So, if I have learned one thing in all this, it is that at my core, in my soul, I am a performer. I am a singer. I am an actress. I am a musical artist. I am talented and have something to give to the world with my gifts. I need to share them and my joy of singing and performing with more than just the four walls of my living room.

Somehow.

I’ll get back to you on that one.

I would be remiss if I did not thank my wonderful friend and colleague Jeff Caldwell for his INVALUABLE help and wise counsel during this time. As always, I am forever grateful to him.

(Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. -Winston Churchill)