I have a confession:

In July, I had my first audition in 8 years.

I had a callback in January.

I did not get cast.

How can the loss of something you never had be so devastating?

I frequently talk with my students (and frankly, myself) about having the courage to believe in themselves and their talent enough to audition. Interestingly, I have noticed that most of the people I have this conversation with are above average, definitively talented students/singers who, for a multitude of reasons (both known and unknown), feel unequal to the task, unqualified to put their voice out in the world. Fear rules them: fear of rejection, of being found out as a fraud, of failure.

I’ve been thinking about my beginnings in Musical Theater and my ten year old self a great deal recently. Even from the very beginning, I was fearless on stage, which is strange because I was, and in many ways still am, a very shy and fearful person. There were nerves to audition, certainly, but for some reason I wasn’t nervous on stage, not while singing.  There was something about performing, creating a character, inhabiting an imaginary world, that helped me transcend my fears and find only joy in the experience.

I’m still a little in shock. Last night was a first for me after 30 years doing theatre: it was the final dress rehearsal for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (for which I am the vocal director) and the actor playing Marcy Park (the one who sings “I speak 6 languages”) was too ill to perform (she had a terrible flu!). The director called me at 3:30 p.m. saying he needed ME to play Marcy, ON BOOK, thank goodness. I was just about to have lunch and suddenly I couldn’t eat a thing. I was freaking out! I had never done anything remotely like this before- I’m a planner, a practicer, a preparer! Anything remotely improv-like or non-rehearsed scares me to death!

Auditioning is probably one of the most stressful things anyone can put themselves through.  The scheme of stressful events should be amended to death, taxes, moving…and auditioning! Besides wanting to perform well, your only other desire is to be able to read the minds of the auditioners. What are they thinking?